It’s ok to be scared.

It’s okay to be scared. Being scared means you’re about to do something really, really brave.

This post does not pick up from I last left off. Instead I want this post to let you know what is going on inside my throat.

This cancer sucks like all cancers do. Each one has its own type of pain. Each cancer had its own struggles depending on the type of treatment you are receiving. Vocal cord cancer is a super hard one to go through. I want to open up about what I am currently experiencing both physically and emotionally.

The first two week of radiation treatment I didn’t really experience anything to bad. Some discomfort in my mouth, a little drier and I would need to drink more. The oncologist said the third week would be when the onset of soreness of my throat would be more intense. And let me tell you, he was right.

I have spent the last two days laying around. I’m not comfortable in talking. My vocal quality is bad due in part to the swelling of the vocal cord. The soreness comes from being microwaved 5 days a week in the same location. It is fried and will only get worse. I spoke to the doctor yesterday and he said if he was to look at my throat it would look like a piece of raw red meat. To swallow is like swallowing a piece of jagged glass. It hurt likes hell!! I am having a hard time even swallowing shakes to keep up my nourishment. I see the doctor on Monday morning and they will help find something to regulate the pain. I am crushing pills in applesauce. (You can imagine the taste)

I have been reading on the American Cancer Society site of other people who have gone through similar cancer and they all say the worst is yet to come after the last treatment. It will still be cooking for a month or two after the radiation.

I understand the pain because the outcome will be for the good in getting this nasty disease out of my body. I have wanted to cry over the weekend but I can’t because it hurts to much.

In November when I had my first surgery with Dr. Kraus, I was very scared and nervous. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be. In my last post, I spoke about the fear of death and what led up to those feelings. I am not afraid of death today because of the fear I had that day.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I am a person who tries to be in tune with my spiritual side which connects to all the other parts of our being. The spiritual awakening occurred on the operating table that morning. The night before the surgery, I hardly slept. I tossed and turned most of the night. I thought about death and that I was going to die during the operation. I was dreading that surgery and had myself all worked up about it. I just didn’t want to be in pain. I am writing about that awakening and experience in a complete separate post.

I now look back on that morning and realized it was prepping for what was to come throughout this cancer journey. I am going to post more frequently and they might be shorter posts of what my days are like going through this. I also post a daily on my instagram so please follow @rickyc813

Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels. –Natalie Standiford